Well it seems another year has passed since I last wrote a post. No
time like the present.
I’ve been thinking a lot about intent lately, mostly because I started
doing yoga (at home) twice a week. I’ve been doing the 30 day challenge
Yoga with Adriene. Someday I’ll get to the actual 30 days in
a row thing, but I’m new so twice a week is what works. As I begin each
practice, the instructor talks about setting intent. What has brought me
to the mat today?
I’ve been trying to bring that same question to my running. Why am I
doing this? What am I trying to accomplish today?
I started running regularly 5 years ago, and I think that intent keeps
changing and evolving. When I first started, I wanted to train for a
half marathon with a friend. I wanted to make exercise part of my life.
I wanted to, for once, not give up on something after a month. The
motivation to run with a friend, to have that accountability, kept me
going. The rush of each race I trained for and finished motivated me to
sign up for another race.
But now, is that still the motivation? Not entirely. The friend I began running with isn’t able to race anymore. I still love to race, but I don’t need something on the calendar looming in the distance to get me to keep running, to motivate me to get out on the trail (even in the winter with snow and bitter temps).
So what keeps me going? I think, now, it’s mostly that running helps my
self esteem. Maybe that seems obvious and simple. But, anyone who truly
knows me understands what a struggle low self esteem has been for me.
It started, as usual, in adolescence with weight issues, acne, moving to a
It started, as usual, in adolescence with weight issues, acne, moving to a
new state, being bullied, etc. If you hear that you are fat, stupid,
and ugly enough times, you really start to believe it. And those
adolescent scars have stuck around. To add insult to injury I am fairly
sensitive in nature. Add some depression in there and I’m a hot
mess.
Getting out there and running helps keep the self doubt at bay. I NEED
to run. I NEED to exercise. Sure, I want to keep the weight down. Sure,
I want to be healthy. But, I need to do all of this because without it
that self doubt just takes over. And I really can’t have that. Are there
other ways to find self worth? Sure. But this is what works for me. I
feel strong and I feel confident when I run. When I do Yoga, I find peace
and acceptance. It’s ok to be me in that moment. For me, it's made such a huge difference. It's cliche, I know, but I'm ok with that.
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